Saturday, October 22, 2016

Alone Time

**This was originally written on October 22nd of 2016 and I'm not sure why I never posted it. So here it is...

I should not be left home alone.

This is the lesson learned so far this weekend.

Mike's past trips have been during the week, so I've had to work and take care of the dogs and my schedule has been busy and tiring.

But this time, I'm just home. No work to do, no errands to run, just time to be in my head and bored and lonely and it is not great.

I should not be allowed to have this much time to think or be in my own head. My head is a dangerous place.

Especially since I've been on clomid and am hormonal and going through ridiculous emotional struggles and fighting battles I can't even give names to.

So, I go for walks with or without the pups. I devour the book I am currently reading because it is so so good and so so sad (A Little Life). I eat food I normally wouldn't because that is what sad girls do and because Mike is not here to judge me. I drink Sierra Nevada Pale Ale because it gives me a buzz and because it makes me happy because, Chico and sad because, Chico. I watch stupid movies. I catch up on work. I cry. I sit on my patio and listen to the song that I know will make me break down until I have to run into the living room and kneel on the floor and sob and shake. I sing Smash songs too loud for my neighbors' happiness, I'm sure. I edit Mike's photos and post blogs with them. I obsessively check my emails and Instagram.

It sounds bad and sad, but it's also nice to not be stressed out about work. To be quiet and let my body and my mind relax (a little). I am ON all the time during the week. Work is hours of stress and anxiety and frustration and then all weekend is busy with Mike and all the things we plan, that I turn it off so rarely. So, I'm trying to embrace it.

I have to note, aside from the depressing tone of this blog, I find it pretty funny that so far, I have watched: a few episodes of Outlander season 2, How to Be Single, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Hamilton's America on PBS, and Definitely, Maybe.

I also ate way too much pizza for lunch.

I need a life.

And Mike to come home.


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