Woo Girl

I'm a woo girl.

There's no denying it.

Always have been, always will be.

(Rebecca, Danielle, Kristin, & Vanessa you are too, just admit it)

Top Knot

You guys!

My hair has finally grown out enough to do a proper top knot again!

I had to tell you because I'm sure you missed it as much as I did.

(Just like I'm sure you've missed obnoxious pictures like this, yes?)

All is right in the world again.

We're going to be okay you guys, we're all going to be okay.

Dear East Coast

Dear East Coast,

Your gas station names are weird.

{via}

{via}

That is all.

val

East Coast Problems

Inevitably, you will get a wedgy.

But only once you've put on your giant puffer jacket to walk your dogs outside.

And at that point, you can't do anything about it.

Unless you want to reach up under your jacket.

And then, pretty much always, a stranger will be walking behind you.

Healthy Living

Recently, I was sitting around the house being unemployed and lazy

And hungry

With not a single (non-vegetable) thing to eat

Then I remembered that we had leftover chocolate chips in the fridge

So I decided to make cookie dough

Not cookies

I'm horrible at making cookies

Once, I made TWO batches of cookies where I substituted powdered sugar for flour

That's two in a row, not at the same time

(Genius)

So my brilliant solution was to just make the dough

And eat it out of the bag spoonful by spoonful over the last couple of days

I just ate two spoonfuls for breakfast

I feel sick

(I'm an adult)

Upstairs Neighbors

Our upstairs neighbors are kind of annoying.

They don't walk normally.

They stomp.

And sound like they fall down a lot.

And play rap music.

And (a cardinal sin to Mike) have foil in their windows instead of curtains or blinds.

The other day I finally saw them.

And they got into a car.

With a license plate showing it was purchased...

In the town we just moved away from.

Figures.

Maryland:  1  California:  0

Leggings

Are you allowed to wear regular ole' loungy leggings to the gym if you aren't doing cardio and only doing weights for your upper body?

Because I did.

And hot damn was I comfortable.

Side note:  my husband made a comment about how nice it is to go to the gym on Sunday mornings because only the "hardcore" people like he and I are there. 

Which made me giggle.

Because I'm horrible at working out.

But that one morning.

Oh boy, were we hardcore.

(We ate key lime pie and got drunk at lunch that day.  Whoops.)

Us

A perfect example of the differences between Mike & I:

After leaving the gym the today, he came home, made a protein shake, and ironed a shirt.

I ate a spoon full of cookie dough and played Tetris on my phone.

That about sums it up.

It's Cold Here Ya'll

This is what having to walk your dogs at night, in the freezing cold wind looks like

It ain't pretty

Oh man do I miss our backyard

Running With Mike & Val

A typical conversation during a run with Mike & I:

Mike pointing at a really thick and brambly bunch of trees:  "Should we run through those?"

Me:  "You do it.  I dare you."

Mike:  Silence

Me:  "Triple dog dare you."

Mike:  Silence

Me:  Chicken noise

Mike:  Silence

Me:  "I make the best chicken noises."

Mike:  Silence

Me:  "Did you hear my chicken noise?"

Mike:  "Yes."

(All this while Mike is running 4 feet ahead of me because I'm slow and lazy)

The End

Yesterday

Gizmo barfed 8 times.

I had to actually physically carry dirty things.
Which is not cool.

I was awoken by my husband telling me we couldn't move in the day I'd planned so we had to change all our hotel reservations.

I had a beer at noon.

I threw a bag of chicken on the floor of a grocery store because Mike was being mean to me.

These things were said:

"It's dirty and scary in here and I hate it."

"I basically just shit in your mouth."
"That car thinks you're a dick."
"This rice is going to make him iller."  "No, he's already the illest."

Then Mike made fun of me for not having a car.

(Sorry for all the cursing)

Confession

I didn't eat the whole box of Reese's Pieces last night.

I saved some for breakfast.

Aren't you glad you're friends with me?

Advice

Ladies, 

Here's a little advice from me to you.

Don't go to bed with soaking wet, unbrushed hair.

That shit will haunt your dreams.

Yours Truly,

Val

P.S. I spelled advice wrong TWICE so maybe you shouldn't listen to me about anything.
P.P. S. Did you enter my giveaway yet??  Go here and do it!

This Guy

What has giant hair, no makeup, 

An obnoxiously long study guide,

and is enjoying their first homemade smoothie?

This Guy!

Happy Saturday everyone!

(My hair looks awesome)

(I really don't want to take my exam)

Full Circle

My mom loves to tell a story about me as a little girl sitting on the chair in front of our tv eating butter.

It's pretty gross that I ate butter at all (and no wonder I was a chubster), but the story gets worse.

I was sharing my butter.

With our dog.

One swipe of the finger in the butter tub into my mouth.

One swipe for the dog.

Repeat.

It's pretty representative of me as a little kid.

I was sitting here tonight listening to my live class lecture enjoying some leftover Baskin Robbins daiquiri ice (130 calories per 4oz versus the 300 calories for the damn cheesecake flavor I wanted.  I hate this whole display the calories thing.  Can't we just be fat and ignorant?!) and I was reminded of that story.

Because after every couple of tasty bites, I let my dogs have some too.

And then I thought hmm....that'ssss pretty gross.

I guess the butter story was pretty representative of me as an adult too.

Also, being a dog in my house seems to be a pretty tasty gig.

Side Note:  Before I let the dogs have any of my ice cream, I asked the hubs if it had actual daiquiri in it because then they couldn't have any.  He looked at me, shook his head, and said, "How would they be able to serve it to kids if it had alcohol in it?"  Oh right...

Awkward and Awesome

One of my most favorite bloggers Sydney at The Daybook has a recurring post called Awkward and Awesome.

She encourages all her readers to post theirs too.  

So here's mine.

Who wants to bet my awkwards always outnumber my awesomes?

Awkward:

• the husband presenting me proudly with the running clothes he bought me and realizing they are bright yellow, skintight, see-through pants and a bright blue muffler thing for my head.
• the next day biffing it on the sidewalk in the bright yellow, skintight, see-through pants in front of husband and skinning my knees.
• reaching to pat my manager on the arm to comfort him during a bad day and having him walk away while my arm hung in the air awkwardly after him.
• the dance I did after doing the first item under Awesome.
• yelling at husband, accusing him of doing something with my registration sticker for him to answer, "I put it on your car."
• the look husband gave me as I walked around the house carrying a glass of wine and singing "homework juice" loudly.
• watching the West Wing episode where Zoey gets taken and right at the part where they find the ransom note, husband turns all the lights off in the house.  May or may not have peed a little.

Awesome:

• being the one to figure out how to fix the lights being out in our living room before the husband did.
• having a husband that will compliment your butt in your new embarrassing pants, pick you up after you fall face first in them, clean the entire house, and do the laundry all in one day.
• tamales, left-over Chili's guac, and sour cream.  happy face.
• re-runs of West Wing while organizing my shoes and jewelry.

That's all for now, my brain is fuzzy from school and homework juice.

Tina Fey

I love Tina Fey.

I love her because she's funnier than me.  And you.

I love her because she's insane.

I love her because she looks normal and still gets to make out with Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell and Jason Sudekis onscreen.

And now after finishing her book in one day, (because I'm hungover and moving hurts and it's hilarious), I love her even more.

The baby fever part of me loves her the most for this:

The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter

First Lord:  No tattoos.  May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain he tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it's the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto the boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boas, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop," "Tower of Torture," or "The Death Spiral Rock 'N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith," and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord?  Architecture?  Midwifery?  Golf course design?  I'm asking You, because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie with Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and  be interested in Barbies for much too long.

For Childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming magenta for one day -

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit.  I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off he baby's neck.  "My mother did this for me."  And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me.  And she will forget.

But I'll know, because i peeped it with Your God Eyes.

Amen

Baby Fever

I admittedly have baby fever pretty bad right now.

Although it is mixed with some intense fear.

Here are some baby/maternity photos I just love and are partly responsible for my ever growing baby fever.

Get ready John, you're taking these photos for me!

A Letter to My Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros

Dear Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros,

Based on my experience with the majority of you on Friday, I’ve come to believe that most of you have never gone grocery shopping before in your lives. Here are some pointers for your next foray into public shopping:

DO shower before leaving the house. If you are unable or if, like one sweaty fellow I encountered, you decided to bike to the grocery store causing yourself to be covered in perspiration, please do not stand close to me while I try to pick out meat. Your sweat + fresh fish = a permanent loss of my appetite.

DON’T block the entire row while you and your daughter, (God I hope that was your daughter and not your inappropriately young wife), try to figure out what pasta sauce is and what it can possibly be used for.

DO move your ass when you see that you are blocking an entire row of people who are intelligent enough to know what pasta sauce is and how to spell it.

DON’T attempt to use fourteen credit cards to pay for your purchases. Here’s a hint, if you cannot afford groceries, don’t buy candy, chips, and soda. How about you buy essentials like bread and milk and use ONE credit card?!

DON’T haggle with the check people over four dollar bottles of wine and then explain to them that they can’t check the price because you are buying every bottle on display. That is like wearing a big neon sign that says, “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.”

DO wear sunglasses to cover up your big shiner that your husband obviously gave you instead of walking around looking sad and abused. It’s just depressing.

DON’T stand inappropriately close to me in line and then ask me why “my toes aren’t pretty.” That is creepy on so many levels there aren’t enough words to explain it.

DON’T wear shorts that are so short that when you bend over I can see 80% of your butt cheeks. Actually, I personally would prefer to see 0% of butt cheeks while shopping for fruit. Also, DON’T pair said shorts with a belly top that shows not only belly, but also multiple belly rolls. Also, DON’T pair this ensemble with heels that your fat ass can barely teeter around in.

DO pull over to the side of the aisle to talk to your weird hippy friends about how much you like tofu so I don’t have to stop in the middle of the aisle next to Homeless McStinkerton while you have your chat.

Yours Truly,

Valerie aka The Bitch Glaring at You on the Pasta Aisle

11 Reasons Why I'm Disgusting Today

1) Yesterday I ate so much cheese that I'm pretty sure my body is forever going to smell of cheese

2) And I'm pretty sure I'll probably never poo again.

3) And I didn't just eat cheese and crackers, I ate the following concoction: one slice cheddar cheese covered in goat cheese with another slice of cheddar cheese on top. I call it a cheesy cheesewich.

4) I ate so much cheese I didn't even eat lunch.

5) Last night I drank a margarita with like two year old tequila while sitting in bed watching West Wing reruns with all the lights off and Mike snoring next to me.

6) I didn't brush my teeth after I drank the margarita and I'm pretty sure I went to bed with the majority of my teeth drunk off their asses.

7) I haven't washed my hair in like three days, (though I must say that it's not greasy at all and looks better dirty...by principle that's still pretty disgusting).

8) I haven't showered yet today and it's 9:20am.

9) I woke up to a dog licking my face and I just now remembered that my mom caught her eating cat poop last night.

10) I've worn the same pajama pants for like a week straight now, but I change when people are home to hide my disgustingness.

11) I walked around with all of my fingernails painted except one of my thumbs for like three days because I was too lazy to paint just one fingernail.