Monday, November 23, 2009

A Letter to My Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros

Dear Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros,

Based on my experience with the majority of you on Friday, I’ve come to believe that most of you have never gone grocery shopping before in your lives. Here are some pointers for your next foray into public shopping:

DO shower before leaving the house. If you are unable or if, like one sweaty fellow I encountered, you decided to bike to the grocery store causing yourself to be covered in perspiration, please do not stand close to me while I try to pick out meat. Your sweat + fresh fish = a permanent loss of my appetite.

DON’T block the entire row while you and your daughter, (God I hope that was your daughter and not your inappropriately young wife), try to figure out what pasta sauce is and what it can possibly be used for.

DO move your ass when you see that you are blocking an entire row of people who are intelligent enough to know what pasta sauce is and how to spell it.

DON’T attempt to use fourteen credit cards to pay for your purchases. Here’s a hint, if you cannot afford groceries, don’t buy candy, chips, and soda. How about you buy essentials like bread and milk and use ONE credit card?!

DON’T haggle with the check people over four dollar bottles of wine and then explain to them that they can’t check the price because you are buying every bottle on display. That is like wearing a big neon sign that says, “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.”

DO wear sunglasses to cover up your big shiner that your husband obviously gave you instead of walking around looking sad and abused. It’s just depressing.

DON’T stand inappropriately close to me in line and then ask me why “my toes aren’t pretty.” That is creepy on so many levels there aren’t enough words to explain it.

DON’T wear shorts that are so short that when you bend over I can see 80% of your butt cheeks. Actually, I personally would prefer to see 0% of butt cheeks while shopping for fruit. Also, DON’T pair said shorts with a belly top that shows not only belly, but also multiple belly rolls. Also, DON’T pair this ensemble with heels that your fat ass can barely teeter around in.

DO pull over to the side of the aisle to talk to your weird hippy friends about how much you like tofu so I don’t have to stop in the middle of the aisle next to Homeless McStinkerton while you have your chat.

Yours Truly,

Valerie aka The Bitch Glaring at You on the Pasta Aisle

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

11 Reasons Why I'm Disgusting Today

1) Yesterday I ate so much cheese that I'm pretty sure my body is forever going to smell of cheese

2) And I'm pretty sure I'll probably never poo again.

3) And I didn't just eat cheese and crackers, I ate the following concoction: one slice cheddar cheese covered in goat cheese with another slice of cheddar cheese on top. I call it a cheesy cheesewich.

4) I ate so much cheese I didn't even eat lunch.

5) Last night I drank a margarita with like two year old tequila while sitting in bed watching West Wing reruns with all the lights off and Mike snoring next to me.

6) I didn't brush my teeth after I drank the margarita and I'm pretty sure I went to bed with the majority of my teeth drunk off their asses.

7) I haven't washed my hair in like three days, (though I must say that it's not greasy at all and looks better principle that's still pretty disgusting).

8) I haven't showered yet today and it's 9:20am.

9) I woke up to a dog licking my face and I just now remembered that my mom caught her eating cat poop last night.

10) I've worn the same pajama pants for like a week straight now, but I change when people are home to hide my disgustingness.

11) I walked around with all of my fingernails painted except one of my thumbs for like three days because I was too lazy to paint just one fingernail.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Tid Bit Over Emotional

I caught myself staring at our garage cat, (not to be mistaken by a house cat...this cat is a terrifying species known as garage cat who eats small birds and attacks your feet when you're trying to do the laundry), as she lay in the sunlight on our back porch this morning. I decided after awhile that she looked sad which in turn made me sad and I started to worry about whether or not she was happy. Then I realized...that's a pretty irrational thought and also who gets emotional over a garage cat? It made me think that I get pretty emotional over irrational things quite often. Here is a list of things I have gotten emotional over lately that are just plain silly:

- garage cat and whether or not she is cold living in the garage
- the dogs that were up for adoption at PetSmart on Saturday...I no joke got teared up in the store looking at them
- when people get kicked off of So You Think You Can Dance
- when Kristin Chenoweth talked about John Spencer, (Leo from the West Wing), dying in her book A Little Bit Wicked
- this sad looking obese man in a wheelchair at the air and space museum when we were visiting my dad
- bum dogs as in dogs that are owned by bums...I worry about what the bums feed them
- Tuffy...he always looks sad right?!
- wondering why can't Kristin Chenoweth and Aaron Sorkin just work it out already?!
- why can't all the Real Housewives of Atlanta just get along?!!

P.S. A few minutes ago garage cat tried to bite my toes because I wouldn't let her in the house so I don't feel sorry for her anymore.