Tuesday, April 17, 2012

How Not To Be An Obnoxious Tourist

One of the times I'm most thankful that I married Mike is when we travel together because we travel exactly the same.
Well, let me edit that to be that we travel exactly the same once we have gotten to the airport and are sitting at our gate.  Up until that point I am a stressful mess and Mike is walking around happy as a clam with a drink in his hand.
Once we're where we need to be, however, we travel exactly the same.
We don't stress about doing touristy things, we don't take tours, we don't rush, we don't fight, and we don't above all else act like obnoxious tourists. 
After several years of traveling together and especially after two successful trips across country and our honeymoon in London, I've decided to dispense some tips to our less knowledgeable travelers out there on how to not be an obnoxious tourist. 
(Also my hair looked awful today so I didn't take outfit pictures, just go with it.)
  1. Don't take gigantic carry ons onto the airplane.  There is no need for you to have a roller bag and a gigantic backpack on the plane with you.  Check your shit, pay for it like the rest of us, and move on.
  2. Don't wear pajamas to the airport.  Listen, we all want to be comfortable, but pajamas and slippers never have been and never will be appropriate public attire.  If you must wear leggings in public at least make them attractive and throw a cute top on over it.  Also, Uggs are not still a thing in case you were wondering.
  3. Don't be that girl wearing heels you can't walk in through the airport.  Everyone is just staring at you waiting to fall on those slippery floors.  Also, I know your feet hurt and it's upsetting to watch.
  4. When the gate clerk starts to board the plane, don't be those people that immediately crowd the desk.  We can tell you are neither first class nor premier.  You are in the back of that plane like the rest of us buddy.  Smooshing your pajama clad body as close to the first class people as you can is not going to get you on the plane any quicker.  You are now just a barricade for the fancy people to push around in order to board 20 minutes before you.  Sit down, read your magazine, and stop freaking out.
  5. When walking on a busy city street, don't stop in the middle of the sidewalk to look around like you just learned how to walk covered in lost tourist fear.  It's okay that you're lost, we are too, but we PULLED OVER TO THE SIDE so we could check for directions on our iPhone and aren't blocking everyone else trying to walk on that sidewalk.
  6. Don't take your kids to every museum/monument/gallery.  I will never not be irritated by the parents that take their kids to the monuments in DC and then let them crawl all over the place like it's an amusement park.  They don't get it and it's okay.  They're kids.  We don't expect them to stand in reverent silence and think about all the amazing things that president did for our country.  But you letting them hang off a statue depicting men in the unemployment line during the Great Depression is ruining my experience and it makes me want to trip your snot nosed little brat of a kid, (I have kicked a child before and will do it again).
  7. Don't take your kids to fancy restaurants.  I'm sorry if Yelp told you this place was amazing.  It is.  It's also $17 a plate and you're supposed to buy five plates per person.  Your kid is not going to eat the pork belly taco with pickled onions and I don't want to listen to him whine while he crunches on his Cesar salad for half an hour.
  8. Don't wear fanny packs or phones clipped to your belt.  I'm sad I even have to mention that.  You have pockets.  What giant contraptions do you need to carry around that don't fit in your pockets?!
  9. Above all else and I can never stress this enough...don't walk around any tourist attracting city wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and tennis shoes.  Maybe just maybe put some effort in how you look.  We know you're on vacation, but you couldn't throw on a pair of flats and cute top?  How about some makeup and maybe brush your hair?  You're on vacation, not a week long hike in the wilderness.  Work out shoes with jeans is the universal sign for lost tourist who wants to get mugged.  You're embarrassing, go buy some cute shoes.  Your feet are going to hurt regardless they might as well hurt from the cute riding boots you slipped on over your skinny jeans not the dirty running shoes you matched with your north face sweatshirt.
  10. And finally, just stop stressing out.  Stop rushing everywhere.  Stop yelling at your kids when they can't decide what to order from the museum cafeteria menu.  Stop acting like the world is going to end if you don't make it to one last museum before the day is out.  Just enjoy where you are, who you're with, and the fact that you're not wearing ugly shoes, (I can't help it).

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