2009 A Retrospective

So I realized, a little late, that I should probably look back on last year and talk/think about what happened and what I learned, but I'm drawing a blank. I blame the aspartame. I heard once years ago that aspartame which you can find in sugar free gum and diet soda kills your short term memory and ever since then, I've been blaming it for the fact that I can't remember ANYTHING. Like what I wore yesterday...no idea. Aspartame!! So to make it more simple, here are the top ten things I did in 2009 in no particular order:

1) Taking a trip to Disneyland with Mike and getting to meet up with my cousin who I haven't seen in years. Great day with my man, great reconnecting with one of my amazing relatives, AND I got to eat a Disneyland pickle which, if you haven't ever had one, is one of the greatest foods of all time...ever.

2) Visiting Dad & Monica in Virginia and exposing little old nerdrific history lover Mike to Washington DC and Virginia. Watching him stare up at the statue of Jefferson was an unforgettable experience. Oh, so was watching Dad hug Mike in the airport when meeting him for the first time after a red eye flight and no sleep...classic.



3) Loo's Champagne Train birthday party wine tasting champagne limo shenanigans. Here's how it went: finger foods, cheese, champagne, Bean, limo, pictures, champagne, singing, champagne, wine tasting, wine tasting, wine tasting, home, puke, Tough Love, puke, Tough Love, puke, Tough Love, puke, sleep. Worth it!!

4) Graduating college FINALLY. After three colleges, two majors, and 8 years, to finally have my Bachelor's Degree in hand was at times exciting, liberating, and embarrassing.

5) Surviving a soul crushing, emotion bruising, career screwing tax season where two of us ended up in tears, I was yelled at by at least two old women, and I watched my boss fall asleep in his chair and we still didn't get every client's tax return sent in on time...even though we didn't tell them that!

6) Shopping for and buying a house. It was such a jumble of emotions...from wanting to vomit to excitement to regret, to fear, to happiness to really truly feeling like an adult for the first time.

Mike signing the offer on the house. Look how happy he is!

7) Thanksgiving at the Ways. First time in a long time that a holiday was perfectly stress free, enjoyable, tasty, and fun. And it helped that they have the world's cutest butterball baby and rock star little boy.

The Bean helping me make the desserts. Love this kid to pieces.

8) Getting to live with Mike alone for a while in Chico and really see how we are as a couple. The guy drives me nuts, but man are we good together.

9) Moving back to Ridgecrest. I might not be too happy about it right now since I'm STILL unemployed and we are STILL painting our damn house, but getting to re-experience the city I was born and grew up in with Mike turned out to be really great; from going to our favorite hole in the wall restaurants to having one of the most amazing dinners ever at Mon Rev, to spending time with the moms, it has turned out okay...for Ridgecrest...

Mike at our favorite hole in the wall Ridgecrest joint, Golden Ox.

10) New Years Eve / Mike's Birthday / Our 3 Year Anniversary. One of the only trips we've gotten to take out of town with each other alone and by far our best trip yet. We hit all of our faves: art and history, great food, and quality goofy time together. It was romantic, funny, silly, a little bickery of course, just basically a perfect couple of days for Mike and Val.

Cheers! Champagne in the hotel room after the world's best dinner. We're old and boring, but champagne in bed and asleep by 10:30 was perfect for us!

Runners Up: Palm Springs with mom and Loo: relaxing, eating, pooool and Jason and Paul bonus! Painting and bonding with the mo in law. Hanging out with K-Furg and renewing our friendship. Adopting Laci Bailey and loving her in memory of Mike's amazing grandma. Ven visiting and getting to see her after sooo long. Taking care of Loo after she broke her baby ankle. The Green Day concert and spending quality time with the Waysters.

P.S. Seriously, how many of my special moments in 2009 included booze?!!

Buyer's Remorse

Once upon a time sweet little Mikey and Val went house shopping with their fairy godmother/realtor Joette. They looked at many houses, some old and not so great, some okay, and even one with two kitchens and a toilet in a closet. Then they saw THE house. They walked in and it was....well perfect. They loved that modern color pallet, loved the floors, the appliances, the layout. This was IT. They put in an offer and little Val got tears in her eyes from the excitement and happiness. After a month or so of shenanigans, rigmarole, stress, and silliness, sweet little Mikey and Val were handed their keys. They walk into their new home and for the first time realize.....it's YELLOW. Like really really yellow. And oh yeah, the previous owners did a piss poor job painting so there is paint EVERYWHERE. And the trim is black. Lots and lots of black. And things don't work and they painted OVER DUCT TAPE and there is a random roll of chicken wire in the shed and they left behind buckets and buckets of paint and and and and....

Buyer's remorse is a thing right?

That being said, sweet little Mikey and crazy pants Val really do love the house. The trim is no longer black and the red wall is no longer pinkish. Things will be fixed and the chicken wire and paint buckets will be on their way to the dump soon. It's on its way to becoming a home. And to anyone that doesn't like the yellow, Mikey and Val don't want to hear about it!!

A Letter to 17 Year Old Me

Dear Valerie,

I am having a horrible day today and quite a bit of it is your fault. Here are some simple things that you can do to make my life less miserable:

1) Don't slack off your senior year of high school and eff up your grades just because your parents are getting separated.
2) Don't only apply to three colleges, all of which are in California.
3) Don't choose a random major right away. Instead, take GE's for your first year and THINK about what you actually want to do so you can perhaps have a career one day.
4) Don't reject going to a great college because your sister went there.
5) Don't do a long distance relationship with your first boyfriend making you miss any fun you could have had your freshman year in college.
6) Don't transfer schools for a boy who you know deep down you don't really love.
7) Don't get shit-faced drunk at a frat party because you are upset over a break-up that you know was for the best anyway.
8) Don't jump around jobs just because you keep getting offered different ones and you think it's a good thing. It's not. People later on in life will NOT hire you because your resume is so sporadic.
9) Don't stop going to classes because you are depressed and school gives you anxiety. Just suck it up and finish your classes. You are too smart to have F's on your transcripts.
10) Don't fall for mean boys who lie to you. They don't change. Ever.
11) Don't drop out of school 3 classes until graduation after you've already been accepted to grad school so you can move across the country. I don't care if it's a job that you've always wanted. I don't care if you're scared of graduating. I don't care if you've just had a messy breakup. DON'T DO IT.
12) Don't quit that job six months in because you are lonely and a chicken and out of money. You did this to yourself, suck it up and make it work.
13) Don't move for ANOTHER boy, get accepted to a good college, not go and instead go to school online and get a pointless degree.
14) Don't, under any circumstances, move back to Ridgecrest.

Follow these 14 simple hints and you will be a much better and happier person, I guarantee it.

Sincerely,

Valerie

P.S. You suck.

Tales from the Home Hunt

In case you hadn't noticed, I have been really lazy lately. When you don't leave your house and/or change out of your pajamas, you don't have much to blog about! I figured in the absence of new and interesting things to say, I'd post a story from mine and Mike's short, but entertaining hunt for a home. Mike decided once we moved to Ridgecrest that we should buy a house. I was super against it because, well...I DON'T HAVE A JOB. Mike did his crazy anal Mike research, (he does work in a library after all), and ended up convincing me that we could afford it and that it was fiscally smart to do. So we got a realtor and set out to find the home of our dreams...within a budget. We set out on the sunny flex Friday, (if you don't know what a flex Friday is then you aren't from Ridgecrest and you really don't care), hoping to find something worth the massive amounts of money we are going to dump into it. The first house we pull up to is OKAY. The cul de sac kind of scares me, but I'm a sheltered, white, small town girl so I tend to try to ignore my HOLY SHIT THIS PLACE IS GHETTO instinct. We go inside and it's nice. The floors are wood and the backyard has a pool, but further investigation unveiled some weirdnesses that I personally could not ignore. Weirdness #1 - there was an extra room off of the living room with no door and with a fireplace and bed in it. Weirdness #2 - there were these big box thingies on two walls that apparently acts as the heater. Maybe this is me being naive or just never having lived in an old house, but I do not want my heat being puffed out of two big boxes located randomly throughout the house. Also, we couldn't go in the backyard because there were little yappy dogs guarding the pool. Shouldn't the dogs NOT be locked in WITH the pool? Just a question. So we left that house feeling sort of eh about it. We didn't hate anything, but we definitely didn't love anything either. I started to get worried that I wouldn't get THAT feeling. You know what I mean? That feeling they say you get when you put on the right wedding dress. That "I just know" feeling. I worried the whole drive to the second house and then I walked in. OHhhh that's the feeling I was waiting for.

We'll come back to that later. Fast forward to a couple of houses later. We pull up to a house that looks abandoned. Yet again, maybe I'm naive, but I was shocked with the state of houses in our price range. We're not talking 80 grand cheapo houses. These were people asking legit amounts of money for houses with holes punched in the walls and carpet ripped out of the hallway. It still shocks me that people will just ditch their house or will put it on the market looking like a rock band had a bender inside of it the night before. Anyways, we walk up and this place is pretty crappy looking, but nothing we couldn't easily fix. I walk inside and turn right to enter the kitchen. I immediately get a vibe that this place is icksville and I don't want it, but Mike is methodical and wants to look at ALL of the house so I keep looking. I turn to the right of the kitchen and enter another room. I immediately do a double take because I am standing INSIDE OF ANOTHER KITCHEN. I actually at this point turn around and walk back into the first kitchen to make sure I'm not on crack. Nope, I'm sober. There are TWO kitchens in this house. Fighting the urge to run out the door, I turn to the right again and enter the next room which is not a kitchen hurrah! No, this is a bedroom. A bedroom with Mike standing at the closet looking horrified. Because inside the closet is A BATHROOM. I'm pretty sure that is the fastest Mike, myself, and the realtor moved all day getting the hell out of there.

Needless to say, we did not purchase creepy icksville house. We are currently in the process of purchasing the second house. The ohhhh this feels right house. Once everything is officially over and escrow closes on the 31st, I'll post pictures and details, but until then let me just promise you this...our house does not have two kitchens, or a toilet in a closet.

A Letter to My Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros

Dear Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros,

Based on my experience with the majority of you on Friday, I’ve come to believe that most of you have never gone grocery shopping before in your lives. Here are some pointers for your next foray into public shopping:

DO shower before leaving the house. If you are unable or if, like one sweaty fellow I encountered, you decided to bike to the grocery store causing yourself to be covered in perspiration, please do not stand close to me while I try to pick out meat. Your sweat + fresh fish = a permanent loss of my appetite.

DON’T block the entire row while you and your daughter, (God I hope that was your daughter and not your inappropriately young wife), try to figure out what pasta sauce is and what it can possibly be used for.

DO move your ass when you see that you are blocking an entire row of people who are intelligent enough to know what pasta sauce is and how to spell it.

DON’T attempt to use fourteen credit cards to pay for your purchases. Here’s a hint, if you cannot afford groceries, don’t buy candy, chips, and soda. How about you buy essentials like bread and milk and use ONE credit card?!

DON’T haggle with the check people over four dollar bottles of wine and then explain to them that they can’t check the price because you are buying every bottle on display. That is like wearing a big neon sign that says, “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.”

DO wear sunglasses to cover up your big shiner that your husband obviously gave you instead of walking around looking sad and abused. It’s just depressing.

DON’T stand inappropriately close to me in line and then ask me why “my toes aren’t pretty.” That is creepy on so many levels there aren’t enough words to explain it.

DON’T wear shorts that are so short that when you bend over I can see 80% of your butt cheeks. Actually, I personally would prefer to see 0% of butt cheeks while shopping for fruit. Also, DON’T pair said shorts with a belly top that shows not only belly, but also multiple belly rolls. Also, DON’T pair this ensemble with heels that your fat ass can barely teeter around in.

DO pull over to the side of the aisle to talk to your weird hippy friends about how much you like tofu so I don’t have to stop in the middle of the aisle next to Homeless McStinkerton while you have your chat.

Yours Truly,

Valerie aka The Bitch Glaring at You on the Pasta Aisle

11 Reasons Why I'm Disgusting Today

1) Yesterday I ate so much cheese that I'm pretty sure my body is forever going to smell of cheese

2) And I'm pretty sure I'll probably never poo again.

3) And I didn't just eat cheese and crackers, I ate the following concoction: one slice cheddar cheese covered in goat cheese with another slice of cheddar cheese on top. I call it a cheesy cheesewich.

4) I ate so much cheese I didn't even eat lunch.

5) Last night I drank a margarita with like two year old tequila while sitting in bed watching West Wing reruns with all the lights off and Mike snoring next to me.

6) I didn't brush my teeth after I drank the margarita and I'm pretty sure I went to bed with the majority of my teeth drunk off their asses.

7) I haven't washed my hair in like three days, (though I must say that it's not greasy at all and looks better dirty...by principle that's still pretty disgusting).

8) I haven't showered yet today and it's 9:20am.

9) I woke up to a dog licking my face and I just now remembered that my mom caught her eating cat poop last night.

10) I've worn the same pajama pants for like a week straight now, but I change when people are home to hide my disgustingness.

11) I walked around with all of my fingernails painted except one of my thumbs for like three days because I was too lazy to paint just one fingernail.

A Tid Bit Over Emotional

I caught myself staring at our garage cat, (not to be mistaken by a house cat...this cat is a terrifying species known as garage cat who eats small birds and attacks your feet when you're trying to do the laundry), as she lay in the sunlight on our back porch this morning. I decided after awhile that she looked sad which in turn made me sad and I started to worry about whether or not she was happy. Then I realized...that's a pretty irrational thought and also who gets emotional over a garage cat? It made me think that I get pretty emotional over irrational things quite often. Here is a list of things I have gotten emotional over lately that are just plain silly:

- garage cat and whether or not she is cold living in the garage
- the dogs that were up for adoption at PetSmart on Saturday...I no joke got teared up in the store looking at them
- when people get kicked off of So You Think You Can Dance
- when Kristin Chenoweth talked about John Spencer, (Leo from the West Wing), dying in her book A Little Bit Wicked
- this sad looking obese man in a wheelchair at the air and space museum when we were visiting my dad
- bum dogs as in dogs that are owned by bums...I worry about what the bums feed them
- Tuffy...he always looks sad right?!
- wondering why can't Kristin Chenoweth and Aaron Sorkin just work it out already?!
- why can't all the Real Housewives of Atlanta just get along?!!

P.S. A few minutes ago garage cat tried to bite my toes because I wouldn't let her in the house so I don't feel sorry for her anymore.