Saturday, September 10, 2011

This is the Part Where I Quit

Around this time is the part where I would quit.
Quit that job that is making me miserable.
Quit that town that I don't feel quite at home in yet.
Quit that boyfriend who I'm not so sure about.
Quit that exercise/diet that is too hard for me.
Quit quit quit.
I like to quit.
I like to run away from things.
It's quite a bit easier than sticking with them when you think about it.

7 years ago I quit school.
I was half-way through with my final 3 classes to get my BA.
I had already been accepted to grad school.
I was working full time, going to school full time, on the path you're supposed to be on.
And then I started to freak out.
Do I want to get my masters in English?
Do I want to teach for a living?
What the hell am I going to do with my life?
Did I talk this out with friends or family?
Did I see a counselor?
Did I weigh the pros and cons?
Not so much.
Instead, I dropped out of school and moved across the country.
Cause THAT to me was easier.
Quit and run.

Today I really want to quit something else.
This class scares the shit out of me.
Grad school scares the shit out of me.
The fact that I'm slammed at work, have tons of things planned for the rest of the year, and have no time to write my 20 page paper scares the bejeesusshit out of me.
It'd be really easy to quit right now and it's quite tempting at this point.
But I won't.
I might fail this class.
I might get really stressed out.
I might have another painful panic attack like I did Thursday night.
I might drive my friends and family insane for the next year.
But I won't let myself quit.
Because I need this.
For me.
For my future kids.
For my husband who has to listen to me whine about it every day.
For my parents who both went back to school later in life.
For my sister who got her masters while working full time and kicked ass at it.
For my pride.

So I am going to quit something toady.
I'm going to quit stressing about this class and just do it.
First step, quit reading blogs and go read my text book.


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