The Unknown

I don't like the unknown.

I don't like not knowing until July whether a contract will get awarded that would mean I have a for sure job.

I don't like not knowing the outcome of a job interview I have on Friday that isn't necessarily a dream position, but is at a dream workplace which is really quite something.

I don't like not knowing whether I would want to take that job at the dream place because it would mean a monster commute.

I don't like not knowing where we should live.

I don't like not being able to have a baby right now because I was unexpectedly laid off, putting a huge wrench in our already-in-place plans.

I don't like not knowing when we will be able to have a baby because of my job uncertainty.

I have never done well with the unknown. I like to plan. I like lists and spreadsheets. I don't like surprises or changes. I don't like not having control.

And that's a big part of it, but another part of it is that I feel guilty or embarrassed or ashamed, (I'm not sure the perfect word), that I still have so much unknown at my age. I'm 31, shouldn't I already have a baby, a career, know where I'm going to live?

But I mean really, 31 isn't old. And my parents didn't have their shit worked out until they were older than me. And everything happens for a reason and let go and let god and all that jazz.

But some days I feel overwhelmed with the unknown. And I get an ache in my chest and my hands start to shake and I can't sleep or concentrate or function. And it's annoying is all this blog post is about I guess?

So I will try to be excited about the future instead of consumed with not being able to control it.

It's gorgeous outside today, sunny with a slight breeze, quiet and perfect. I took the dogs for a long walk and watched jets fly low overhead around and around my apartment complex, which always makes me happy because it reminds me of home. I've been sick all week, but have the freedom to be home in bed all day recovering instead of coughing away in a cubicle. I received the severance I deserved so I'm not to the point of freaking out about bills (yet). I have a fun lunch date planned in DC with my husband on Friday. I have a warm little pug curled up under my feet and a fuzzy corgi snuggled in a dog bed next to me as I type this. So I will take at least five minutes and be happy about this moment and be thankful.

Before I start to freak out about the unknown again.

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