Friday, October 31, 2014

Fussy Thoughts

Let's get real.

(Or not, I probably shouldn't publish this.)

The last two years have been really hard.

I was walking through union station to catch my train home yesterday thinking, "Man I feel sad right now. Just fussy, awful sad." And I realized that if someone asked me what was wrong I wouldn't have an answer. It wasn't a bad day at work, nothing exceedingly shitty happened. I'm just sad, worn down, fussy.

Moving is always hard. Moving cross the country is extra hard. Being unemployed is depressing. Getting a new job is nerve wracking. Trying to get pregnant and not succeeding is frustrating. Worrying about money is, well, worrying. Getting lied to by an employer and then laid off unexpectedly is hurtful. Being unemployed again is double depressing and embarrassing. Getting a new job, in a new city is scary. Starting an over 2 hour commute each way is exhausting. Moving to a new city is intimidating. Moving in with a parent is humbling and comes with it's own set of issues. Not knowing what your future holds - what is going to happen with this job when the new computer program rolls out that is going to replace 90% of my tasking, where are we going to live, should we try again to have a baby - is terrifying.

All this and whatever the hell else has happened in the last two years.

I am so aware that so much worse things happen in the world and I try not to put on my poor me hat, but some days I just feel overwhelmed and plain sad.

Is this just how big crazy changes feel or did I royally eff up our lives moving us here?

Why do my jobs always come with so many complications and personal stress? Is it the kind I choose, is it just all jobs are like this, or is it me?

When is it going to stop being hard?

These are the thoughts swirling around my head on a daily basis and it's not fun and I would like them to go away. And sometimes they do, days are good, things makes me happy, I'm lucky in many ways. But you know, I would like them gone for good.

I stopped writing this post on my phone when Mike boarded the train and we talked for a while about all this and other things. He drove us to a local bbq place when we got into town and we skipped our normal healthy dinner and working out for the night; gorging ourselves on delicious bbq and beers. And then, later, he pulled me close while we were cleaning up after dinner, gave me a giant hug, and said something sweet that made all the bad stuff go away for a while.

And in 25 days I get to have sugar again...that will definitely help.


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